WHY DOES THE INTERNET HATE MEEEEEEEEE
Hormone um gay marriage?
I think I have reverse PMS or something because I started talking about Prop 8 in class and almost started crying. I felt like a dumbass because everyone in San Francisco cares about Prop 8 and I’m sitting in my weird chair with the horribly uncomfortable back with the slat in it going on about bigotry and thinking about the vicious hate cycle that our country was founded on. And then I came home and got Rick Rolled and thought about how my cat is the cutest thing that ever lived.
drunk texting (not me)
Seriously, yoga is stretching. It’s not going to save the world. Become a fucking politician or work at a nonprofit that supports AIDS research and awareness. Teach. Aim for greatness. Etc. The Sound of Sunshine (Michael Franti’s new album) even sounds gross in my head. After that ridiculous baby girl song I can only imagine that the sound of sunshine is something akin to the sound of banging my head against the wall.
The caption for this picture on the website was “greening.” I am so sick of greenwashing. It is just jargon when your festival is intended to promote sustainability and your food stands have giant plastic signs. How about not advertising and really cutting down on waste? Also, Michael Franti, selling out to Ticketbastard is really all about power to the people, isn’t it? Ugh. If you are such a free spirit maybe don’t charge 50 bucks to have people watch you do yoga at the Fillmore. I guess that they can probably participate. Whatever. It’s stretching. Fifty dollars of stretching. Don’t even get me started on your Rocking Heads tribute to Talking Heads.
I cried over spilled milk today.
…but then I cleaned it up. The question isn’t, “when does this get easier?” It’s more, “how do I make this better?” I am open to suggestions. I am lonely, and I don’t know how to relate to anyone right now. My heart keeps racing and I don’t even know what I am afraid of; I am already alone. I don’t feel bad for myself, but I want to get out of this…rut. I have a feeling research methods isn’t going to help. I need something basic, simple, understood without saying and without embarrassment or fear. This has to exist.
Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry aloud, “I am lonely.”
Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats
You knew the hand of the Devil
Kept use awake with wolf’s teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night”
Well, it’s “fare thee well”, my true love
The song is in the air
I hear the West calling
See what’s for me there
With the sun I’m leavin’
I’ll be Montana bound
Ain’t no use in grievin’
I’ll show you what I’ve found
Yeah, some folks have it easy
At least that’s how it seems
Reach up and pick an apple
Reach up and find a dream
Some travel in the darkness
And rest upon the shade
Some wrestle with their demons
And face them unafraid
We argue for our better selves
We only ask for more
We take the mirror from the shelf
And find the open door
…be careful out there, all of you. We are not invincible. If it seems like a lot, it might be. OD’ing is scarier than I care to imagine and I love any one of you too much…I don’t know my point here except to tell anyone reading this to think about how much fun is too fun (or maybe you’re not having fun and doing something to simply numb yourself, but this still applies) and to not be dumb…maybe think about the people who love you before you act recklessly…I hope it’s obvious that I am included in this category of people who should be smart.
I am sorting this out.
Being alone for the first time in a while is interesting.
I am really trying to be healthy. I have a lot of goals and am (somewhat) keeping up with a to-do list.
I am trying to be less negative. I know that my friends are not perfect. However, I also want to be more honest with them- if I am upset, they should know, just as I would want them to let me know if I did something to offend them. I need to be more direct and less vague or wishy-washy.
I am going to try to focus more. I hope medication helps. I am such a purist when it comes to regular drug intake but I am at my wit’s end…I really really really want to be a better person and to make better life choices.
Blogging is selfish, as the act in itself is a demand to pay attention to often irrelevant personal thoughts. I don’t care who reads this, this is really for myself. It doesn’t take up space on my hardrive and it’s harder to lose than a journal made of paper.
I am trying to eat healthier and exercise more, I want to obsess less, and go online less. I am really trying to make a transformation and hope to form better relationships with others and to grow to respect myself more. I CAN do this on my own and am strong; I just need to remember that. I also will remember why I am hurt, how to avoid being hurt if I can help that, and to recognize unhealthy patterns so I can stop hurting myself. Relationships sometimes end or don’t go as expected; it is essential to realize the ones worth keeping and to let go of the ones holding me back. I can’t expect constant pity or sympathy and need to focus on the power I have to grow and flower. I am aware I sound like a character in a Judy Blume teen novel.
My cat just almost threw up. Then she burped.